It's 3:37 am. Irregular sleep is the norm for me at this point in my life. Family of 4 with 2 babies in the house. I'm typing this from my blackberry in the dark from my living room couch because I don't want to wake my wife or our 1 year old who lives in the same bedroom as we do. I just had a glass of white wine to try and put me to sleep. I'm tired but I can't sleep. Closing my eyes only makes me think more about everything.
With everything on my mind I simply don't sleep anymore. Too much to do, too much to worry about, too many things to fix in my business life, too many things to handle in my family and my personal life, and of course too little time.
I am young and probably naïve to think that what I do for a living and all the people I employ and the taxes I pay should be appreciated by the employees, by those in power in govt and the people they serve.
But I am wrong. It's thankless and the risks are starting to outweigh the rewards. It's expected of me to employ these people. It's expected of me to grow. It's expected of me to pay more and make less. It's expected of me to not fail. What do I do at this point in my life when I am starting to see a trend in my industry that's the opposite of people's expectations?
I thought I'd be happy being an entrepreneur. I thought I'd be happy being a creator. I used to a few years ago. I used to enjoy life. But overall, not anymore. I am starting to regret not taking advantage of my finance degree. I could've easily worked at Goldman with my connections and worked my way up to make a ton of $ playing with other people's money like a game of monopoly.
I'm making $ the real way- hard earned dollars, a ton of hours, busting my ass to the point of being exhausted. I'm starting to regret this choice. I could've made so much more - I call it fake money. Bank money. Goldman Sachs money. Trading billions like baseball cards. Creating nothing, just moving $ from one place to another. Taking a tiny cut but no risk. Getting a salary and nice bonuses- the good life.
I need help. I need changes to be made to make things easier. I seriously have never been in a position like this in my life. Strength based on everyone else's perception but truly weak in my mind, body, and spirit.
I don't even want my family, friends, business partners and employees to read this so why am I even writing it? I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want people to feel sorry for me as these problems are trivial compared to problems others face. But it makes no sense to force me to think like this and especially at a time like this. If I post this, what the hell am I going to say to my wife. "Don't worry, I just need to get thing off my chest- things aren't as bad as they seem"? I'm the leader of my company. I'm the leader of my household. People can't see me weak so I keep it inside and become weaker. I can't be the strong leader all the time but if I'm not, I'm worried those under me might fail. I can't sleep because of this.
This is what I've become? I'm so pissed I let this get to me this much. So annoyed. I'm shaking my head writing this.
I'm getting mad because there's no one to turn to. Everyone running businesses has these problems and no one has time to come together and fight this so all I do is complain to myself. I'm getting mad just thinking about how hard it is right now to run a business. I don't give a shit about how hard it is in France or China. I don't live there- this is supposed to be the best country in the world. I can't explain the feeling of knowing how successful I could be but not being allowed to achieve 100% of my potential because of silly laws, stupid rules, and irrational watchdogs-people simply holding me down because that's what they are paid to do. Why aren't rules changed to represent the current times. Why do we still have prohibition laws or outdated rules in the building dept.? Why do we allow this terrible bureaucracy to ruin businesses and have all this negativity infiltrate our minds?
Whatever, what does it matter. Things won't change. I won't make the same mistake twice and tell my children to follow their father's footsteps. They should be lawyers or work in the financial sector. Less stress- oh right, the grass is always greener on the other side. All I see are brown weeds.
It's 4:21 am now. My eyes are trying to close. I'm dead tired. But can't sleep.