Three Tools for Dealing with Debbie Downers

Every day I wake up reasonably happy, fairly contented in life, and ready to face the work at the office. Then I drive to work and tune in to the radio, which is blaring about an impending storm, the downfall of the stock market… and poof—I’m at work, where I am greeted by the phone ringing and an email stating that the deadline of the project has been moved – up! My child calls from school to say she has forgotten her musical instrument for today’s concert just before the annual performance review is about to start an hour early.

Then I encounter the Debbie Downers who I let sap my energy to the point where I want to stay in bed or crawl under my desk. This article is devoted to handling exchanges with these negative people that weigh on our hearts and on our productivity, extracting our confidence and our zest. There are several tools you can use that will help disarm these people and put their negativity at rest so that we truly can enjoy our days and manage our own stress.

Tool Number 1: Ignorance

For the people that mean nothing to us—the mean, obnoxious commuters, the people who slam doors in our face—we must ignore them totally. 

One person I worked with complained about her boss every day. I mean, about everything: from how he gave her tasks to do to his bad breath and what sports teams he cheered for. I would dread meeting her in the lunchroom and feel my shoulders tense if she came near me with a cup of coffee in her hand. Every day I would work hard at avoiding her, not taking her calls, and pretending that she just wasn’t there. This took an enormous amount of time and energy, energy which I needed to do my job well. I could feel myself starting to not to want to go to work even though I really enjoyed my responsibilities. Her presence was like some cartoon bad guy who shows up everywhere. And just like a cartoon good guy, I had to find the antidote for this poison before she sucked the life out of me and my job. What to do?

I had to go on the offense. Like the cartoon heroes, I had to find some untapped inner power.  The answer was simple. I had to empower myself not to listen to her comments. My superhero power was turning off the volume! After all, we were not friends—we barely worked together and I didn’t need to hear all the blah, blah, blah of her complaining commentary. The next day, when she began her usual banter, I politely and affirmatively thanked her for stopping by. While she inhaled, chest expanding in preparation to begin her psychological sewage dump, I took advantage of her silence to explain that I was enjoying my project and needed to get back to work. Then I turned on my superhero power and turned off the volume. All she exhaled was, “Okay.” I paid no attention to where she went with her cup of coffee because I was fully focused on work. After a few times of diplomatically interrupting her negativity, I was pleasantly surprised that she simply left me alone. What a relief!

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Tool Number 2: The Force Field

Many superheroes have force fields to protect them when the going gets rough. You need one too for the many downers who have professional authority in our lives. They may be bigger than us in some way—superior credentials, a longer work history, or better contacts. Because of their power or authority, they can undermine our enthusiasm and worst of all dash our dreams.

A perfect example is a woman I worked with for many years who routinely told me that I wasn’t capable of making it in the training world. “You simply don’t have it,” she would proclaim on a frequent basis. Since she was part of a team that I had to deal with, I felt I could not and should not ignore her words. I was newer to the field and I was passionately committed to making my life and living. I wanted to improve my abilities and excel, so I listened, and she repeated her generic evaluation without any specific feedback. Then I realized that we were trainers—we were supposed to give people skills to improve their lives, but she wasn’t giving me anything, not even a chance. Something was really wrong with the relationship and I had to change it.

She is the individual who helped me develop my ability to push an imaginary button deploying a force field. This imaginary ability has been crucial to my ultimate success. I simply chose not to absorb or believe her words. I still had to hear her speaking and I still thanked her graciously for her comments, before walking away from her. But with my force field deployed, I could face the challenge was to not absorb any of those caustic criticisms. I did not to let them discourage me for the path that I was determined to blaze.  Now I have trained thousands of people to live better lives, and I’m writing a book! 

Tool Number 3: The Zap

For the people that are in our lives, both at home and at work, who we deal with frequently, we need to be ready to point out their negativity and work to get them to a more positive place. We all know that we can’t change anyone else, but we certainly can coach the most important people in our lives to want the best for us. Along the way, my friends remind me regularly how hard it will be to lose weight, to learn to run a marathon, and to start a business. With a “Thank you” for their comments, I immediately ask them to the have faith and confidence in me to make it happen.